New:Ole wore both of his winter jackets when he painted his house last July. The directions on the can said "put on two coats". New:Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are vorking". Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
What is the best Christmas present in the world? A broken drum. You can't beat it. It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "It is if you do it before the store opens," countered the prisoner.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. Mahatma Gandhi, a deeply spiritual man, walked
barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. His frequent hunger
strikes left him seriously frail and thin, and his
peculiar diet gave him bad breath.
He came to be known as a super-calloused fragile
mystic plagued with halitosis.
A parent was listening to their daughter's bedtime prayers. The daughter came up with this particular petition of the Lord's Prayer: "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail!"
A confirmation student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. The student wrote: "3,6,1,8,4,5,9,2,10,7."
BULLETIN BLOOPERS: The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The women's Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 o'clock. All women are invited to lunch in the parish hall after the B.S. is done.
A song-fest was hell at the Lutheran church on Wednesday.
A pastor, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. The pastor says to the others: "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket. The rabbi agrees: "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket. The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same. The lawyer murmurs: "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.
Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. It begins: "In the beginning the world was without form and void. And God said, 'Let there be light.' And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."
POLITICALLY CORRECT 23RD PSALM
The Lord and I are in a shepherd--sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation. He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence. Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state. You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of non-cooperative elements. You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters. Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes wil pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period. And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.
Consider the case of the Alberta man who left the snow-filled streets
of Calgary for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip
and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick E-mail message. Unable to
find the scrap of paper on which he had written her E-mail address, he
did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter
in the E-mail address and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her E-mail, she took one look at the
computer monitor and let out a scream; and fell to the floor in a dead
faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
One day, Eve was walking in the garden with the Lord. She said,
"Lord, the garden is wonderful, and the animals and birds provide
such joy, but I am still lonely sometimes."
"No problem!" the Lord replied. "I will make you a man for a
companion. He will desire to please you and to be with you. But I
have to warn you, he won't be perfect. He'll have a difficult time
understanding you're feelings, will tend to think only of himself if
allowed to, and will stay out late with his bowling buddies."
"What's bowling?" Eve asked.
"Oh... never mind. I was just getting ahead of myself, sorry."
"That's OK. I think I can handle this 'man'," Eve replied.
"Great, I'll get right to it!" God said, and started grabbing some
mud and shaping it. Suddenly, the Lord stopped and said to Eve,
"Oh, there's one other thing about this man I'm making for you."
"What's that?" asked Eve.
"You'll have to tell him he was here first." In a pickup truck, Ole, Sven and Lena drive into a lumberyard. Ole walks into the office and says, "Ve need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" Ole ponders and then says, “jus a second, I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. how long do you need them?" Ole paused for a minute and said, "Uh...I'd better go check." After a while, Ole returns to the office and said, "It may take us months to build a house und ve plan on living there for at least five years, so ve need them a very long time!